Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Bad Press

"If the Revolutionary War had been covered the way we're covering this war and people had seen how difficult the conditions are and how badly things were run…people would have tossed it in."

-- Donald Rumsfeld

Memo to: His Majesty King George III
From: Gen. Charles Cornwallis, Your Humble Servant
Re: Bad press

Your Majesty wisely decided to launch the War Against Radical Democracy against the weak and poorly armed American Colonies before it spread throughout the British Empire. Your strategy of Preemptive Attack was even more successful than we imagined, as the Royal Army's occupation of New York and Philadelphia at the Outset of the War was nearly effortless. The Revolutionary Militias disbanded and fled into the Hills, and we suffered few casualties. That Decisive Victory, rightly celebrated by the British press, was followed by Quick Occupation of Important Commercial Centers in Brandywine, Germantown and Monmouth.

The Southern Colonies, as expected, offered little Resistance because our Campaign enjoyed the Broad Public Support of Loyalists, mostly Simple Farmers who are oppressed by Northern Mercantilists. We marched through the South, taking Georgetown and Camden in The Carolina. We took the Ports of Charleston and Savannah, securing the Crown's Supply of Oil ... oil? -- sorry I meant Cotton ... and the Strong Support of Southern Loyalists who depend upon Open Seas for their Trade in African Slaves. The Northern Resistance, a Force of 3000 Men and Boys, dispatched to the South and lead by the Terrorist Commander Horatio Gates, was crushed in Camden where 2300 Revolutionaries were Killed or Captured by the Royal Army. So Many died charging into our Cannon Fire, as if Radical Democracy might be served by Senseless Suicides.

Your Majesty should give little credence to recent Press Reports regarding the difficulties we have encountered recruiting and training a Tory Militia to take over responsibility for the Security and Stable Governance of the Southern Colonies. Although 1000 of Your Loyal Militia were killed at the Battle of Kings Mountain, and we do find it difficult to recruit and train men who are Loyal to the Crown, and Willing to Serve we must Persist at all Cost. Press Reports coming to me from England vastly exaggerate the Strength of the Insurgency. Although lead by Resourceful Terrorists like the One who goes by Swamp Fox (identified as Francis Marion by a Spy in the Enemy Camp), these small disorganized Bands of Guerillas will prove no match for Your Majesty's Highly-Trained and Well-Armed Royal Army. The Members of Parliament who would question the Cost and Purpose of this Just War only encourage our Enemies and must be Ignored if they cannot be Silenced.

We will next take the War Against Radical Democracy to Virginia, and set up camp in Yorktown, before moving against the remnants of General Washington's Army in the North, which is depleted and starving after wintering at Valley Forge. Although the Colonial Terrorists have been joined by Foreigners sympathetic to the goals of Radical Democracy, including that Extremist Brigand the Marquis de LaFayette, you can be assured that Most of Your Majesty's Subjects in the Colonies loathe the French and their Fancy Ways and their Papist Missionaries. Even Leaders of the Revolution, like General Benedict Arnold, have joined our Just Cause rather than ally themselves with Foreign Influences.

In All Events, and in Any Event, and whatever the Timetable for Withdrawal, Your Highness can take satisfaction in knowing that the War Against Radical Democracy is fought, and will be won, in the Far Colonies, rather than on Our Own Doorstep in Europe. We have invested Much Resources and Many Valiant Men who have given their Lives in this Just Cause and for the Great Glory of the British Empire. We must not Toss It In, not as we stand Here on the Verge of a Victory for which Your Majesty will be remembered by Your Loyal Subjects and those Loyal Subjects of Your Royal Descendants, for All Time to come.